Born to Die

Life was uncomplicated when I was young. If we did not have something, there was no fear of missing out. If we did have something, it was ours to enjoy, cherish and safeguard. For ever.

We never threw away a toy, a watch, a radio set or any other possession merely because it became old, or a newer model was available. If something did not work properly, we fixed it. If it broke, we repaired it. We were expected to value everything till the end of time. Thus, if the strap of a chappal broke, we changed the strap. If a pen stopped working, the ink cartridge was changed. One bag saw me through seven years of schooling, with no more than three trips to the cobbler for repairs when it got torn.

Most products lasted for years and years and sometimes even generations. Long ago, my mother owned a pair of scissors on which was etched, in Urdu, the legend ‘Dada Kharide, Pota Barte’. Translated, it meant that the scissors were good enough to last for three generations or more. In that age and time, any person who had the impudence to suggest that his product had an expiry date, or worse that obsolescence was built into it, would be called a swindler and a crook. Today, we are inured to the manufacturers of expensive telephones informing us matter-of-factly that their product will stop working after a certain date. Imagine the outrage if one fine morning the Rolex company were to declare that all their watch models older than five years would stop working from next Monday!      

For families on the cusp of the middle-middle and upper-middle classes, cars were the ultimate validation of the belief that every effort must be made to repair something before it was junked.  Middle Class car owners in Delhi knew that corner shop in Bhogal which specialised in retreading tyres. Chunnu Mian, who ran his poky little workshop behind the Jama Masjid, could refurbish any broken shock absorber. And the Janata Batterywala in the lane behind Moti Cinema in Chandni Chowk sold the best reconditioned batteries this side of the Khyber Pass. The Gen Y and Z shall never exult in that rush of dopamine when a dead engine comes to life after you, your brother and the neighbourhood chowkidar push-start the car on a wintry morning. No one will talk to these generations knowledgeably about ‘reboring’ the engine, about oversized pistons, about universal cross joints or about the use of soap solution as brake fluid –  because they replace the old car before it is not even half old.  

When life was uncomplicated, refrigerators, air conditioners and scooters were once-in-a-lifetime purchases, the same as cars. Appliances such as sewing machines, ovens, irons and washing machines lasted for years and years and were called ‘consumer durables’. We had a table fan at home when I was a child which, years later, I took to my college hostel. Had some burglar not stolen it, I would probably still be using it today, sixty years on. Even items with a defined lifespan lasted longer than they were supposed to. Wall calendars lived beyond the years – as covers of books, framed as pictures or pasted on windowpanes to block the sun. 

Sadly, nowadays things are born only to die. It is no longer a question whether something will die. It is a question of when. To increase sales, manufacturers deliberately shorten the lives of their products. Sometimes these become obsolete with the arrival of newer models and sometimes due to nonavailability of key components. Consumer durables no longer endure. Television sets and microwave ovens self-destruct almost immediately after the expiry of their two-year warranty, and appliances like vacuum cleaners and geysers refuse to abide with us. Clothes that were deliberately stitched a size too big so that a child would wear them for two or three years are now discarded in a few months because of changing pret lines.  Earlier we ate anything that was not visibly spoilt or smelling to the high heavens. Now we look for a best before date. Even honey is marketed with a shelf life of one year, and salt comes with an expiry date!

The plumbers of today junk a whole faucet fitting if it leaks, rather than trying to repair it. In contrast, their fathers used cotton thread and zinc oxide paste before sheepishly suggesting that a new tap be bought. Not to be left behind, the electricians now visit our homes as if they are senior consultants rather than maintenance guys. They grandly announce the fate of various things – every fitting or appliance that might be defective is sentenced to death, to be replaced with a new one. The modular concept ensures that no effort is ever made to repair any electrical or electronic gizmo.

We certainly live in an evanescent age now, in which nothing lasts. This age demands that everything old must be discarded, to be replaced by the new. This philosophy has been gradually extended to all spheres of our existence. Pens. Watches. Shoes. Jackets. Tables. Computers. Cars. Houses. Maybe even relationships? 

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright

I am a great one for trivia. If trivia contests were an Olympic sport, I would have certainly won many a medal for India. If you don’t believe me, ask my well-informed wife, who keeps benefitting from the esoteric nuggets of information that I share with her. Just a few days back, as I was getting ready to go to the bank, I recalled an interesting fact that I simply had to impart to her.

Even as she didn’t stop going about her silly chores, I asked her whether she had heard of the Wasika Office in Lucknow. Suddenly she was all ears, though she pretended to continue ironing some clothes. “This Wasika department in Hussainabad doles out pensions to the erstwhile nawabs of Awadh. Well, not the nawabs; but the progeny of the nawabs and the progeny of the progeny. There are more than a thousand such pensioners—wasikedars, as they are called. They draw wondrously meagre pensions from the government that range from just one rupee to a few hundred a month.”

I waxed eloquent about these descendants of the nawabs who converge with ancestral pride to collect their pensions—trifling amounts that are less than the cost of travel to the pension office. Still they come from near and far to celebrate the nawabiyat coursing through their veins. But they can’t survive on past glory alone, so these latter-day nawabs have other pursuits and professions—from pulling rickshaws in the by-lanes of Lucknow to running successful business enterprises in India and abroad. Many might be modest clerks and bus conductors and tailors and paanwalas; but on the day they come to receive their pensions, they doll up in smartly starched chikan kurtas and sherwanis.

My wife was clearly not impressed by my vast store of information.

“Are you even listening?” I asked irritably.

“I am listening, stupid,” she said calmly. “You are a retired old man with nothing to do, but I am a homemaker and homemakers never retire. You can afford to go on prattling about nawabs and pensions and other such nonsense, whereas I have work to do. I don’t have all day. Nor do you for that matter, if you want to reach the bank in time.”

“I am waiting for Gopu,” I said. “We will go together to submit our life certificates. You know that to continue getting our pensions, we have to inform the bank in November every year that we are alive and kicking and have not yet kicked the bucket.”

“I do so wish you would not mix your metaphors. And also that you would not mix with people like that no-good Gopu!”

“His name is Gopu, and not ‘that no-good Gopu’,” I remonstrated.

Gopu arrived just then and I appealed to his good sense to convince the little woman that knowledge about the nawabs and wasikedars was essential for leading a perfect and happy life.

“So what is this wasikedar poppycock?” he asked.

I then had no option but to educate Gopu. About the nawabs, the starched chikan kurtas, the paanwala who you would never suspect of being a nawab and the paltry royal pensions.

“But I thought it was us who got a pittance as a pension,” he asserted.

“Isn’t it amazing,” he continued, “we were fortunate to get the best paying government jobs 50-odd years ago and our pay was Rs400 a month. It seemed unlikely then, but we hoped to reach the pinnacle of our careers by the time we retired and dreamt of getting the highest government pay of Rs3,000! Strangely, while our salaries, and then our pensions, increased many times over, our level of poverty has remained almost constant.”

“Well, it’s not that bad,” I said, “We do get handsome pensions.”

“Certainly,” said my friend. “But the government takes back a third of it as income tax! And don’t forget the GST. On an average, you and I pay around 20 per cent tax on everything that we buy. Therefore, the government takes back more than half of our so-called handsome pensions.”

I had to agree with that. The little woman chipped in. “Considering that this guy’s main expenditure is on petrol and whisky, he pays yet higher taxes. Probably more than 60 per cent!”

I looked at Gopu disconsolately. “That is so true! I wonder if it is really worth all the bother?”

“Are you suggesting that we don’t go to the bank to give the life certificate because the pension is peanuts?” he asked.

“It certainly is peanuts! But don’t the descendants of the nawabs come to collect a few rupees because the pension proves their royal connections? Similarly, we too need to rejoice our past sarkari connections. Furthermore, the leftover nawabs have additional means of livelihood, while we have nothing. Nothing at all! Not even a paan shop!”

Meekly, I left for the bank with Gopu to tender my ‘life certificate’ to prove that I am alive. The tiger may be subsisting on peanuts, but it is alive, dammit! Tiger zinda hai!

(THE WEEK – November 24, 2024)

Nobel Tolls for Me

“This is an abomination! The whole thing is rigged! It’s a disgrace!”

I am really thankful to God that my wife’s vocabulary of swear words is limited. ‘An abomination’ is the most vile word that she uses, and that too when she is incensed beyond limits. I kept quiet, hoping she would cool down soon. But I was wrong. For another hour, she kept muttering oaths and cuss words stranger than any thought of in my philosophy.

Most families have annual rituals. Rituals like playing cards on Diwali or getting the whole brood to gather at Christmas or the annual staycation in some five-star hotel because frequent flyer points are about to lapse. Stuff like that. Well, my wife and I are different. Not for us these mundane rituals. Instead, we observe the annual Lamentation of the Nobel Not Awarded To Me Day. This is preceded by a week-long vigil before the television, throughout which my wife makes me sit by her side with fingers crossed till the Nobel Prize for Peace is announced. Sad to say, year after year, I do not get the prize.

Things reached a critical point last year, when once again my name was not announced. My dear wife was more indignant than usual, so besides damning the whole thing as rigged, she demanded to know, “Why haven’t they given it to you? Isn’t it a joke that Arafat, Shimon Peres and Rabin were jointly awarded the Prize in 1994 for efforts to create peace in the Middle East? Look at Obama? Look at Jimmy Carter? What did they do? They even gave it to that chit of a girl, Malala something. And for what? Just yakking! They gave the prize to a useless and toothless organisation like the UN? Then why not you?”

I could see the logic in her arguments. If they all can get it, why can’t I? Nonetheless, I consoled her. “Darling,” I said, “For someone to get the prize, his name needs to be nominated first. Maybe no one sent in my nomination.”

“I did,” said the wife with a sob. “I send your nomination every year.”

She was so heartbroken that I suggested that we could try alternate methods.

“Alternate methods? Like what?” she looked at me hopefully.

“Well, I am not proud about it, but I do know a couple of ‘bhai’ type goons. You could use their services, you know, but nothing drastic. Maybe just rough up some of those people who decide such matters? Or you could bribe a few of them. You remember that guy, Pole Vault or Wall Pole something, who declared that every man has his price? How much would a Norwegian parliamentarian demand? Why don’t we buy a few of them in Norway, the way we do in India?”

But my wife would have none of it. She believes I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize in my own right. She has never explained why she has this firm belief, and I too had never questioned her—I had always assumed that this was yet another way in which she expressed her love for me.

Then, some days back, they announced the award for 2024. “This joker, Nihon Hidankyo, has been given the Peace Prize!” she screeched!

“Do you know who he is?” I asked, quite puzzled.

“No, I don’t. And I don’t care. I am sure it must be a typo. Instead of your name, some careless jack-in-office has typed the name Nihon whatever,” she declared.

Ever since the announcement of Hidankyo’s name, my wife and I have been waiting to be informed that there had been an error. But there is still no confirmation that it is actually I who has been conferred the award. Regretfully, I have to now accept the possibility that there has been no error. Only a mistake—they selected the wrong candidate. Once again.

Seeing how miserable the old girl has been these past few days, I mustered the courage yesterday to ask her why she is so convinced about my suitability for the award and why she waits with bated breath every year, only to be disappointed once more. I said, “Why do you keep insisting that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize? Why not the chemistry Nobel or the physics Nobel? Or even the economics prize?”

“You stupid man, don’t you know? For getting the Nobel for medicine or chemistry, etcetera, you actually need to have done something. The clowns who win those prizes might not be the best in their field, but at least they have accomplished something. It is only the Peace Prize that is given to non-performers and non-achievers. People like you! It is not given for actually doing anything, silly! It is awarded only for talking. And you are a great at that. Talk, talk, talk, talk. If you don’t deserve it, who does?”

Her logic is impeccable. Now, even I am hopeful! Let us see if next year the Norwegian Nobel Committee has the good sense to recognise true peace-making talent.

(The Week)

Have You Kept Track?

Now that the annual bloodletting is over and done with, and Caesar has extracted what was his due – and then a wee bit more – I can get back to worrying about my finances and sanity. While my perennially anaemic finances pose no problem, I frequently lose my temper because of the threatening messages that I receive, especially around the time of filing my income tax return.

The initial irritation is caused by the innumerable reminders to file the return. They come as warnings through different channels – email, WhatsApp and SMS. They threaten to heap unspeakable ignominies on me if I do not file the return, but then they end in the whimper that the threat can be ignored if I have already made the mandatory genuflections. Each such message causes a twinge of regret – obviously, those income tax blighters have not been keeping track of my tax declaration. Ergo, they have also not kept track of the tax paid by me. Am I a sucker for having paid it in the first place? 

Fellow income tax sufferers can well anticipate my next peeve – to wit, the flurry of threats to verify the return in one of six suggested ways, or else! But to please ignore the threat if already done. The hordes of income tax officials who chase me for piddling sums of a few hundred rupees can’t even keep track of the verification executed by me in all six suggested ways? Oh what a fool I have been! I could have indeed gotten away scot free without paying any tax!

The minions of the Finance Minister are not the only ones sleeping on their jobs. Others too needlessly annoy, with my bank being the most consistent offender. Those somnambulist bank clerks repeatedly order me to file Know Your Client, or KYC, information at random and without warning. They threaten to freeze my account – unless I have already provided the information, in which case I can safely ignore their threats! I am convinced that my bank is a Know-all Yet Clueless entity. I ask myself, “Should such a KYC entity, that is incapable of keeping track of even my KYC documents, be trusted with my hard earned money?”

The telephone company, the insurance wallahs, the piped gas people – all blithely keep demanding money from me.They threaten me with unnamed fears if I do not pay and then, anticlimactically, tell me to ignore the dire warnings if I have already paid. Clearly, they lack the ability to keep track of my payments and again I feel foolish because I have paid the bills when I could have gotten away without paying a penny. A good friend of mine suggested that I should exact revenge by sending a cheque, with a note telling them to encash the cheque only if the bill remains unpaid. He argued that this would force them to check their records. For some reason, this seemed quite imbecilic, even to an intellect as inferior as mine.

I am sure at some time in the future I won’t be able to remember what I ate for breakfast or even whether my fly is zipped up. In that condition, I will certainly not be able to recall whether I have paid the banks, the insurance companies, the telephone service providers and sundry others. Unfortunately, they have all amply demonstrated that even today they are not capable of remembering anything. Will the world then come to a grinding halt? And if not, what are all these threatening messages for?  

Please ignore if this has been published earlier and you have already read it. 

THE WEEK – 15/09/2024

For God’s Sake, Do Something!

“Plip! …. Plip! ….Plip!”

“Do Something! For God’s sake, do something!” she wailed.   

Tired as I was after a hard day’s effort in the rough and sand traps, I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. So I ignored her.

“Are you even listening?” she asked. 

I ignored her again. But it is difficult to keep ignoring the little woman if she pokes you in the ribs – hard!

“What is it now?” I said irritably.

“Can’t you hear the water dripping? We must do something about it.”

Has anyone ever collected data on the number of instances when a wife wants to do something about something while the husband wants to do nothing about anything?  This is certainly a fascinating field of research just waiting to be explored, though I suspect that the frequency distribution would be predictably skewed. 

“Could it be the neighbour’s tap? It isn’t really making much noise, is it?” I asked. Everyone knows that the first step in problem solving is to blame others and/or downplay the problem.  

She glared at me. I meekly asked, “So how do you expect me to fix it?” 

“Well, you could call a plumber!”

“In the middle of the night?” I asked incredulously. Effective problem solving requires highlighting the difficulties in solving the problem. 

“Call the blighter in the morning then, but for God’s sake do something about that noise! Now!”  

Even as I reluctantly got out of bed, I asked, “Darling, are you sure you want me to do something? I might slip on the wet floor in the bathroom.” In management jargon, this is called ‘Amplified Anticipated Adverse Consequences’. If one can raise the spectre of greater problems arising from solving a smaller problem, then a solution to the smaller problem need not be found.

I was going to wax eloquent on the complications due to broken hips but she snapped, “Will you fix it or what?”

I shuffled off to the bathroom, just so the missus would stop grumbling. I pushed a bucket under the tap and adjusted its position so that the dripping water fell on its sloping side.  

“There! I have fixed it!” I said loudly from the bathroom. More important than actually solving a problem is to claim that you have done something about it.  

I returned to bed. There was peace! Absolute peace! And so to sleep – perchance to dream. But soon the little woman poked me in the ribs again.  

“The damn thing is dripping again!” she complained. This time, I could hear it too. With the bucket now half full of water, every drop was splashing with a louder ‘plop’ than the muted ‘plips’ of the bucketless circumstances.   

Plip! ….Plop! ….Plop! ….Plip! Plop! …. Plip!!

So off to the bathroom I went again. I turned the bucket upside down and this time adjusted its position so that the water dripped on the sloping outer surface.   

“I have fixed it!” I announced loudly for the benefit of the wife and the world in general.   

I prayed that there would be no further excitement that night. It is well known that if a problem can’t be solved, one should pray. 

Peace prevailed once more. The little woman and I slept, even though the muted ‘plip-plop’ became a part of the dream that I quietly slipped into. By morning, the drip had miraculously stopped by itself. Maybe my prayers had worked. Or maybe the ‘plip-plop’ was not audible above the morning noises. Or it could be because of the El Nino. Or climate change. Or something. Whatever might have been the reason, I thanked the Almighty.  

The night-long exertions proved that my problem-solving methods are flawless.  I am convinced that the UNO, NATO, the BIMSTEC and even the SCO have all studied my technique and copied it. All governments follow it, because it is as easy as 1,2, and 3. To recap: As the first step, don’t acknowledge the problem. Then downplay it or blame someone else. Next, announce it can’t be solved. Follow up by declaring that solving it will create other greater problems. Then claim that the problem has been solved.  Keep temporising till it goes away. And all the while, pray and pray that the problem will solve itself. Simple!

I suspect many management gurus would be sceptical about the universal applicability of my technique. These doubting Thomases need wait for just a few days, as another winter of our discomfort draws near.  Delhiwalas refer to it as the season of mists and shallow breathlessness, because stubble burning and temperature inversion make the national capital region into a gas chamber every winter. People shall clamour for the government to ‘do something’ this year too. Executive, legislative, and even judicial initiatives will be suggested. There will be much breast beating and apportioning of blame. Just wait and see – my methods of managing problems will be meticulously observed, step by step, till the problem will be finally solved through divine intervention in January, when strong westerly disturbances will blow the smog away! 

(THE WEEK 13/10/24)

Lest We Forget

In late 1975, I had the honour of being a member of a party of policemen that visited Hot Springs in Ladakh. On a cold wind-swept hillside, in front of a simple memorial, we stood in silence to pay homage to all policemen who had laid down their lives for the country and the people they serve. Our group included Sonam Wangyal (aka ‘Hero Sahib’), who recalled the events at Hot Springs in 1959.

On October 21, 1959 a patrol party of the CRP and the Indo-Tibetan Border Force (IB) was ambushed near that spot. Ten police personnel were killed and ten others taken prisoner. Hero Sahib was present when the ambush took place.

The Chinese released the prisoners a week later, after torturing them and subjecting them to inhuman treatment. The bodies of the slain policemen were returned after three weeks. This ambush was the eyeopener about China’s designs in Ladakh.

Remembering this incident, police forces all over the country observe October 21 every year as Commemoration Day, to honour their comrades who have lost their lives in the line of duty. Functions, small and large, are held in police lines, parade grounds, and offices where the names of those who have made the supreme sacrifice during the year are read out.

Since Independence, more than 35,000 police personnel have lost their lives while discharging their duties. The number of police casualties kept steadily increasing with the years and in recent years it has been around seven hundred to eight hundred. The annual toll has often exceeded one thousand, notably in those years that saw more violence in the Punjab, Jammu & Kashmir, the North-East or in the Left Wing Extremist belt.  

Police personnel die all kinds of deaths – getting killed while displaying the highest dedication to duty and country. Valourous deaths, deaths that are the stuff of patriotic songs and ballads! A large number of police personnel get killed fighting terrorists, insurgents, robbers and other criminals. Many lay down their lives at the border, in enemy fire or by getting shot at by smugglers and traffickers. Some get blown up in mine blasts. Others die in a hail of bullets in an ambush. A few tragic incidents sometimes cost many lives and briefly focus attention on police casualties. 

There are also a large number of policemen who get killed in ways that range from the bizarre to the stupid. Deaths that seldom attract attention or find mention in newspapers. But these men and women in khaki are equally dead and their children as orphaned as the children of any hero. Policemen who die in unexpected and unusual ways. By getting mowed down by a speeding truck. By getting lynched by mobs for doing their duty. Sometimes through sheer exhaustion and fatigue. Due to sunstroke and frostbite. In accidents. By drowning while saving someone else’s life. Or getting asphyxiated in a burning building. Senseless deaths. Pointless deaths. Many that are avoidable deaths.  

The Wuhan virus has added a new challenge to the lot of police personnel. It has resulted in still longer working hours, heavier load of cases and complex crowd management challenges. Policemen and policewomen throughout the country, as a class, have been among the most exposed of ‘Covid Warriors’. The Indian Police Foundation, which has been tracking the price exacted by the virus, records that in a strength of about 30,00,000 police personnel, more than 1,35,000 have tested positive for the virus. More than 800 have died. Countless other police personnel suffer from Covid-related psychiatric issues. The infection rate is as high as one in twenty-two!

Undoubtedly, among the names read out this morning of police personnel who died on duty, there must have been of many who fell victim to the Covid19 virus.  There will be many more whose names will be read out next year.

I have attended the Commemoration Parades every year, in my office, at functions organized by state police forces, by the Delhi Police at Kingsway Camp or at the recently constructed National Police Memorial. But this year the Wuhan virus has prevented me from attending any function. This year, therefore, I offer my homage to my fallen comrades in khaki, sitting at home.       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let Us Count Our Blessings

In the middle of an unprecedented pandemic, uneasy relations with our neighbouring countries and a bleak economic situation, the attention of the whole nation is riveted on the death of one film actor. 

The major ingredients that define our existence as a country are all there – politics, crime, sleaze, sex, women, Bollywood, CBI, ED, court room dramas! And a hint of drugs!

Our elders always taught us that we should be grateful for His mercies, no matter how small.  

So let us be thankful that none of the dramatis personae played cricket!

 

Musings of a PSO

Ours is a peculiar plight, Sir. I, and other personal security officers like me, have to protect all types of persons. We have worked with some protected persons who were truly gracious. There were some who always enquired if we had eaten or whether we had rested. We liked them. Some others insulted us; made us carry their briefcases or look after their brats. Or go shopping with ‘Madam’. Some reviled and ridiculed us. And there were still others who didn’t even see us as human beings. We did not like them.

But it’s not our job to either like you or dislike you. Our job, Sir, is to protect you. Protect you to the best of our ability, for which we are tasked and trained. We have to be vigilant every hour, every minute and every second if we are to keep you out of harm’s way.

You, Sir, face threats on account of the position you occupy, as also some threats for the person that you are. We call these institutional threats and personal threats. I have been assigned to protect you because you face these threats. I have been trained to protect, and have acquired special skills. Skills that you do not need to know about. Suffice it to say that it is expected that I shall ward off any and every threat that you might face. And if required, take a bullet meant for you.

It is expected that I will be successful each and every day. The day I am not, I will either be dead or wish that I were. 

I am with you for most of your waking hours, including when you cough or sneeze, belch or fart. Without wanting to, I do hear many of your conversations. I am witness to your peccadilloes, your quirks, your all too human failings. Even when I try not to hear what you might discuss in confidence with your colleagues and your cohorts, I am still privy to much wheeling and dealing that you have to do.

But I, and others like me, observe our unspoken and unwritten code of silence. We strive to be invisible. We try to remain noncontroversial. We observe but do not speak. And we do not reveal what comes to our knowledge while discharging our duties. Mind you, some of it is explosive stuff! Yet how many former security personnel have come out with juicy bestsellers about you and your ilk?

I don’t mind being ridiculed or made fun of. I couldn’t care less what you or other people say or think. Yet, when I am dragged by you into your petty political games, or I am indirectly blamed by you for breaching confidences or outright accused of unprofessional conduct, I am disappointed. Deeply disappointed. And I wonder whether this disappointment shall cause me to react just a split second slower at some critical moment. That split second which might make all the difference?

The disappointment also makes me wonder whether you, Sir, are worth taking a bullet for.

(Please do read the disclaimer page. It is stressed that the views expressed are the author’s, and not those of any other individual or organisation.)